My Personal Struggle 

with the Creative Being that I AM

I struggle, usually every day, to fulfill the desire to live a big life. One that is full of colour, fibre, paint, nature, sun, joy, water, dye, thrift store finds, goods made by others, spinning, knitting, drawing, gallery visits, travel, exploration, and really just everything.

My Creative Self struggles to work within the constraints of time, money, the need to eat, and the need to sleep. My creative self also struggles with doing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, keeping up friendships, part time work, parenting and the desire to do anything but create.

My creative self is a part of who I am and I cannot deny it any more then I could decide not to breathe and remain alive.

Over the years I have struggled. I have been labeled; a cry baby, dramatic, demanding, eccentric, severe depressions, bi polar, border line personality disorder, anxiety, major depression, difficult, and most recently postpartum depression.

I do not deny that chemical imbalances within my body play a role in my struggles, but I reject the idea that I am ill. That I need to be or can be cured.

I understand the need to label. I know why my mental state of mind has become an illness, one that will be taken seriously by some and laughed off by others. Without this label our current social culture could not understand, categorize or otherwise make sense of my need to stay in bed one day and create all day the next. My quick and seemingly impulsive decisions, my over the top passion that borderlines on obsessive, my absolute love for the people in my life one minute and then my complete rejection of them the next just does not fit into the image society holds of a fully 'functioning' person. 

Without categorization as an illness and all the labels that come with it, my struggle, has no name. It is hard to take seriously within the current cultural framework. A framework that allows for vast amounts of independence within the constructed constraints of 'socially acceptable’. The current cultural paradigm does not allow for the fullness of the personality quirks that make us all so uniquely human.

Label me if you have to, if it makes it easier, but I am not ill. I am creative. I may take medication to balance my serotonin levels, or vitamins to keep me healthy. I may eliminate foods from my diet or need to set an alarm to make sure I go to bed at a certain time. I may do yoga, mediate, walk. I may use essential oils or herbal remedies. I may cancel on you unexpectedly or ask you to take my work shift only to be found posting pictures of my latest creative endeavor on social media. I may not ever live up to your expectations as a friend, a mother, a wife, or a community member. It does not matter, because I am me and I accept my whole self.

I am very lucky to have a family and friends who do too. To have met a man who even if he does not understand me completely gets that I need to create to breathe. These people do not ask me to sacrifice who I am to make them more comfortable, they make accommodations for me, just as I do for them.

So I will continue to struggle every day, sometimes less, and sometimes more. I will continue to fight to find the balance between being a creator, a spouse, a mother, an employee and a community member. I will not, however, sacrifice or deny who I am to do any of the above because, to be totally honest, I would not have it any other way.

Important Note: 

This post could be taken as a down play on mental health issues. It is not. As someone who has been hospitalized for severe depression I take mental health very seriously. I have just come to see it in a different light. If you are reading this and don't relate, that is understandable, this is a very personal take on very diverse subject. This article is not meant as a substitute for medical advice. If you are suicidal or are overwhelmed with your struggle, ask for help. There is no shame in asking for help. Asking for help is brave. I ask for help all the time.